ive been thinking about this missed connections thing a lot lately. i suppose that it wouldn't be fair to disclose my feelings without saying that i think i've been in a bit of a depressed funk of late. work was so horrible and the environment was so toxic...that it has been a great relief to not have that on my plate everyday. however, with extra time comes extra time...and extra time brings forth lots of questions, concerns, and memories in your head.
a few years back (eight!!!) my friend christina was leaving disney world to go back to new york (we worked their together and became very close) to try to reconstruct the missing pieces on her relationship. she feared what the status of the relationship would be with her then beau in new york and her (working) in orlando. we had grown so close prior to her move that devastated me that she was moving. i felt as if she was moving for the wrong reasons and that she didn't seem to care about the connections (i thought) that she had made in florida. in all truth...i think i just wanted to hold her closer to me. i remember that we got in a big tiff (as big as you can get at 21) and i remember walking to the bus station (employee transportation) in tears. i just wanted to go to bar and get away from the whole situation. i remember the night perfectly. as i was walking to the bar, i ran into our mutual friend sara and she sort of held my hand through this tough night. she seemed to be the only one who could address what was going on in my head and help me justify my feelings. of course, christina and i remained close after her move (as did sara and i) but moves lead to new relationships, new homes, and in both of their cases...children. now i long to have the sort of conversations that i used to with them...but where to begin. it seems that we have crossed the line into christmas cards and emails...which i suppose is natural. however, this has turned into its own missed connection of sort.
we as people so long for these connections and they seem to come and go in our lives and we are always told that this is simply the process. that raises an interesting question...should we open ourselves to gain relationships if we know that they are going to end (as they always do). the homes, the children, the work...it all kills the heart of relationships and replaces the heart with casual greetings and sweet holiday cards.
i have another series of friends (one in california, one in texas, and two in florida). of those...i have gone from speaking with each of them once a week to speaking with one of them...once a month. of course its not intentional. the thing is this: once you go without talking for a period, their is so much to say and yet nothing to say...does that make sense. you don't want to fill them in on everything that's happening in your life (it could take hours) but simply going over your daily routine seems trite.
i saw all of this because i feel these things happening in my own life right now...and it saddens me. it has nothing to do with not wishing anyone well. it has more to do with the sadness that i feel that i opened myself up only to have my spark put out.
whether its new relationships, new homes, moves, children...whatever the case, you begin to see that you don't belong in your friends lives. the reality is that you begin to feel that people are moving on and you didn't get the memo. the thing that bothered me all those years ago in florida...and still does today...is that there is always this talk of what we are moving towards (a new boyfriend, a new job, a new situation) without any real reference to what you are leaving behind. nobody ever says..."thank you for coming into my world"...its simply...this is what i'm doing and i know that we will all stay in touch...(christmas cards, emails).
i would be cute and say something like "maybe i'm just in a funk" but the truth is...that would negate my feelings. the truth is...they are my feelings and i should own them. now of course, loneliness sets in...and you start to reevaluate everything you know...and every connection you have missed.