random thoughts on a sleepless night

so i can't even call it a blue christmas in july...because its june. wow...i cant even do that part right. im having a blue spring. for those of you who arent from around here, my best friends are moving away and its really taking its tole on me. to complicate matters, they are also having a baby...which led to a wedding...which led to a house...and all sorts of excitment. see...i should be excited.

and dont get me wrong, i am excited. i think its awesome that they are getting married and i love kids...so you can only imagine how excited i am about that. however, this whole moving thing and everything that has gone along with it has really hit me hard. perhaps the thing that is the hardest part is that because of all that excitment, you begin to feel that you cant express the saddness you feel...or you are simply a debbie downer.

the truth is, daniel feels it too. i can tell. he isint that close to a big chunck of his family, so the friends that we have are a big part of our family. the house we bought, the stove we got, the garden we built, the tables we eat at...were all planned to accomadate our friends. friends that have now decided its best to move on to new excitment. however...you do want to say...hey! we are still here.

of course the other thing that gets me down is seeing all the things that we can never have. sure we have a nice house (celebrating its one year with us) and a fantastic dog...but d doesnt want kids. even if he did...arkansas would make it impossible for us. arkansas also wont allow marriage. therefore, im excited whenever friends get married...but it also makes me sad.

perhaps the biggest issue is that i turned 29 a few weeks ago. 29...jobless...unmarried...childless....and standing in the sidelines showing excitment for things that are truly great...and yet also very sad. things that make me lonely and cold at the core.

ive talked to some people about this saddness. ive made some changes in my life to try to get me over this hurdle. however, nothing really seems to be working. daniel just keeps asking what is wrong with me...and i am not even sure i know. jealously...sure. a feeling of loss...sure. excitment...sure. bitterness...sure. joy...sure. a feeling of being lost...sure. not knowing where i am at this point in my life...SURE. i have a great house, great dog, great guy...and yet some saddness.

of course...all of this is still better than when i was stuck behind a desk for four year doing something i hated. at least now i do have that house, dog, guy, garden, and yard to care for.

a few weeks back i spent a morning helping someone at their resteraunt with prepping for a catering. it was the most fullfilling thing that i have done in years...professionally. just chopping vegetables. nothing big...but fullfilling. hmmm...

a few weeks before that, a new friend who met us through this blog (lives in another state) came to visit for dinner and said the obvious about this whole other baby/move/wedding situation...he said "gosh, that must be rough for you?" how could a complete stranger that i had never met...but occasionally reads my bog...understand what was going on in my head. i get "whats wrong" from d and others. i get pangs of "dont say anything...or put on a smile" from others....but a complete stranger got it. it is hard for me. 29 has been hard for me. this summer has been hard for me. its a funk that i deeply...deeply want to get out of. im just scared. scared is some state that i always live in. well...scared and pleasant!

1 comment:

  1. Hey hun,

    First, long distance hugs for ya. I'm disgusted that you can't marry. i wish prop 8 had been defeated, then I'd have the perfect reason to tempt you to move to cali. i wish i could give you *my* right to marriage (since i'm probably not gonna use it), but it doesn't work that way.

    This funk sounds so familiar to the one 4 or 5 years ago...when you'd just graduated, but were having trouble finding a first job, and no one you dated really seemed right. It was the funk of "what could be but isn't yet"....it was the funk of being asked to wait for the rest of your life to begin. It was the funk of not knowing whether your life would ever begin.

    In the face of that funk you can only do two things - wait until things start to happen, or start things. It sounds like you've been happiest when you had a purpose, something productive to do, no matter what it was. A forward motion. Most importantly one that reached beyond the boundaries of your home.

    So my advice is to challenge yourself to come up with 5 ideas each day of something you could do. Something that doesn't cost money (like "build a deck") and doesn't block you from getting the dream job you're waiting for (like "move to zimbabwe"). Stuff like "volunteer at a day camp" or "volunteer to help someone start a company." Then at the end of each week, pick one idea, and spend the next week doing a little bit to research it...making calls, talking about it, seeing how it might be possible. Hopefully one will eventually stick. If not, at least you'll be planning and scheming and providing some forward movement.

    That's a long comment when probably all you wanted was a hug. But I miss ya, and care. And as always I'm deeply opinionated. I'm glad you have someone to share your life with now. :) We'll have to chat sometime and catch up!!