so i just say this crazy woman on the today show talking about "the art of journaling." a topic like that would normally not make me mad, but something about this woman's suggestions got on my nerves. according to this lady, one should never put personal narrative on a blog. one should never use real names (even in a written journal). finally, one should never publicly display their material. well if that's the case, i am fucked with this blog and i might as well cancel the check.
i suppose i get what shes saying regarding the blogs (in theory) but that number two suggestion just seems odd. either way, i fully realize that nobody actually reads my blog...and therefore, it is like private journaling. also, i understand that i cannot blog, write, and journal. i am in an attempt to steam line...so if you don't like hearing my rants and raves, im sorry...ms. today show lady.
my rant is about this funk that i am in. im in a really weird place right now. i was downsized out in april and have actually used my time effectively. projects have been done around the house and things have been taken care of. i also landed a job with a catering concept which is opening soon (not soon enough). that all being said, the last few weeks have been really challenging. i have broke out into tears four nights this week...and its thursday...so you do the math. maybe i need to up my dosages again...but i feel like this depression is getting pretty deep. infact, it reminds me of when i was working at the devil and had such sadness over my role (and myself) there.
i think a few things have really added to my great depression. first, im ready to return to work and i am patiently waiting for the opening. i enjoy being able to write, teach, and get basic shopping/cleaning done without crowds...but im ready to return to a venue that challenges me and provides me with some sort of creative expression. that's why im excited about the new job.
second, i had all these great dreams about opening my own little store. i met with bankers, investment people, business development people...and then nothing. when it became clear to me that financially...my dream wasnt possible...my dream sort of died. i was consumed with making it happen...and then bam...it was done.
third, there is this overwhelming feeling of not being able to get married that is really bothering me as i knock on the 30 door. it has been going on for a bit and of course got re-intensified at slancers wedding. as happy as you are for all of your friends who get married, welcome babies, start new ventures...theres a part of you that goes...is this it. i think daniel and i would love to get married and experience that together..and yet, cant currently (in state). furthermore, im not sure daniel really wants that...and that saddens me. he comes from a family where marriage=bad and therefore has mixed feelings on it. if that is truly the case...once you buy a house...are you done?
finally, the biggest issue lately has been my circle. i sort of feel like when i lost my job, i had my circle around me to pick me up and dust me off. however, as time passes, the calls lessen and finally you are lucky to get an email. its hard because i put such stock in my friendships and circle. jessica has a new boyfriend and stays pretty busy with this exciting development. abby, suzanne, jay, and corey all moved away. we hardly see aleks and jon. chris and wes travel a ton. my old friends are spread out all over the country from ca to tx, ny to ri.
then of course, you have slancer. as a couple, they were as close as anyone daniel and i have ever let in. with the marriage, move, and baby and all...i am having the hardest time that one could imagine. you try not to talk about it (for daniel sake) and to not bring people down...but i just feel like some great vacuum came in and sucked the life out of me. we spent two to three nights a week with them. its the nights...now...that are the hardest part. i was crying during "modern family" last night. then i sit patiently waiting for a text, a facebook, a call...anything. once i get it...im on top of the world...till i start to not hear. you see...i sound like a ten year old girl...but the truth is...i may not have lost my best friends...but the relationship has truly changed...and it hasn't been renegotiated. do we go there, do they come here. what about gas money. they dont seem to want to drive. daniel seems tired. do i need to ask permission to go there. how do i suggest they come here. does lance quiet. does daniel. sarah is preggers. lancer doesn't have the weekend off. daniel has to work saturday. its just crazy and i miss when it was all easy. saturday night/wednesday night=slancer. friday night=wes/chris. saturday morning=jessica. thursday night=wayne/daniel night. i feel needy and pathetic when i call friends. its just a mess and i don't want to impose on anyone...odd. of course...i try not to think that others are coping a hell of a lot better than i. that cant be good for the ego. it doesnt help that d and i have lived within the existance of the four of us (the slance group) and the family we created...and now were trying to recall life before that time and what exactly we did (pre-schedule).
i guess im just lonely. i feel like i am annoying daniel with all of this. i am annoying myself. i am missing my friends. i am missing creative expression. i am missing work...its just a depression. its a dark spot...and i want out!